and My World Changes

My world started to change when I was in 10th grade.  I just got home from dinner at my grandparents house.  We had roast beef, mashed potatoes and some kind of veggie.I was in my bedroom supposedly doing my homework, but actually reading one of my teeny bopper magazines.  The article I was reading was about a girl who struggled with bulimia.  Sadly a story that was meant to warn girls not to do something is what started my new addiction.  I went in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat.  That felt great.  I may have found a way to be thin.  I may have found my way for a boy to like me.  Maybe I could be thin and have a boyfriend afterall.  Every night after dinner I would go upstairs.  My parents would downstairs either in the living room or outside on the porch.  There was never a question about why I was upstairs.  I spent a lot of time in my room.  I liked to read, listen to my music, practice my flute and do my homework.  Every night I would quietly go in the bathroom and do my thing.  I had a little towel that I used to clean up any mess that may have happened.  I hate to make sure I didn't leave any evidence behind.  I left that towel in my room and cleaned it when I did a load of laundry.  I brushed my teeth afterwards every time because I didn't want the acid to destroy them.  I couldn't let anyone know my dirty little secret. 


After a week of purging, I lost about 10 lbs.  I was loving it.  My clothes were fitting better.  I got to eat what I wanted and still lose weight.  For once I didn't mind weigh in day during gym class.  That scale was finally going in the opposite direction.


My dirty little secret continued every day, at least once a day.  Noone ever knew.  Only one person ever questioned my weight loss.  My aunt.  She brought it up to my mom that she was concerned with my weight loss.  It was something about the way in which my body lost weight that my stomach was the last to go or something like that.  i can't remember exactly.  My mom responded that I was just watching what I ate more and have been more active.  I was in the marching band.  A very good marching band that practiced for hours upon hours.  I would go for walks around the neighborhood.  Even my doctor never questioned when I went for my physical.  She was amazed that I lost over 30lbs since my last visit.  I weighed in at 129.  I distinctly remember that number.  I was so proud of that number.  It was a number I though I would never see when i stepped on a scale. 


I was able to finish up high school wearing stylish clothes.  I finished high school not having to be ashamed in gym class.  I was actually a demonstrator for some activities, especially in gymnastics. I was able to finish high school by having dates to dances and guys who did second glances.  I had older men having crushes on me.  I was who I wanted to be ... finally.